Few moments define workplace friendship quite like the first flirtation with gossip. Your colleague rolls her eyes at you when someone cracks a particularly stupid joke in a meeting, or sends a Slack DM reacting to an awkward discussion in the group chat. You’ve taken a new, delicious step in your relationship: Now, you’re people who can talk about other people together.

Often, this gossip-infused camaraderie is long-awaited and exhilarating. Research has shown that workplace friendship is key to employee satisfaction, and that complaining to colleagues can bolster friendship, satisfaction, and productivity.

“In our studies, we find that when individuals are able to gossip about one another, it can lead to two useful outcomes,” says Matthew Feinberg, a professor of organizational psychology at the University of Toronto’s Rotman School of Business. First, gossip helps you know what to make of the person being gossiped about, even if you’ve never interacted with them before. “In this way, gossip is how a person’s reputation precedes them, for better or worse,” says Feinberg.

And secondly, gossip can help convey more nuanced workplace norms. “You learn a lot about what others might expect of you when they complain about a third person behaving in certain ways,” says Feinberg.

Lighthearted gossip is one thing. But the truth is that gossip is not always accurate or fair. Routine snarking about your colleague can have nasty ripple effects, and even shape someone’s workplace reputation for months and years to come. And when talking about your coworkers tips from “good fun” to toxic, it usually looks like an under-discussed form of workplace bullying called triangulation.

What is triangulation?

Triangulation describes a three-pronged, corrosive relationship: I complain to you about someone I dislike, rather than directly confronting that person; subsequently, you start to dislike them, too, even if you previously liked them or had no impression.

“A person’s perceptions of and attitudes toward their work environment are influenced by what they hear others say,” explains Patricia Sias, a professor of organizational communication specializing in gossip at the University of Arizona. “So talking about Person A with Person B influences Person B’s perception and attitude toward Person A. As this perception of Person A is reinforced through talk and shared with others, it becomes more embedded and harder to change.”

Triangulation isn’t always done with malicious intent. Sometimes, it happens because we don’t know how to confront other people directly or are afraid of hurting feelings, explains Scott Robley, a trainer at VitalSmarts, a corporate leadership consultancy focusing on employee behavior. But often, “triangulation can be a subtle way of bullying by seeking to ruin someone’s reputation or to get them in trouble.”

Ultimately, the intent matters less than the effect. Triangulation can have far-reaching cultural ramifications, eroding the trust and collaboration necessary for a positive work environment; especially when leaders are the ones doing the triangulating. “Triangulation destroys teams and relationships by impeding culture and removing dialogue,” Robley adds. “People feel unsafe because mutual respect and mutual purpose have been violated.”

How to recognize triangulation

When triangulation is more unintentional and passive, it typically shows up as complaining or venting, says Renee Thompson, CEO and founder of the Healthy Workforce Institute. This venting generally takes place in private spaces or private digital chats, one-on-one, or in small groups of trusted peers. For example, I message you to say that our male colleague interrupted me in a meeting. You don’t know the guy who’s interrupting me well, but you’re familiar with the sexist trope of men interrupting women, and begin to think of him as a misogynist piece-of-work.

When triangulation is more intentional, it manifests as clear passive-aggressive communication intent on making you, the recipient, feel negatively about whoever is being gossiped about. This bullying is marked by strong emotions, intense descriptors, and clear demarcations of anger and dislike. For example, there’s a big difference between venting about someone’s actions (e.g. “It’s so annoying that he interrupted me”) and degrading someone’s character (e.g. “He’s a jerk and should be fired”).

There’s also a difference between asking a question like, “Can you help me see if I’m misreading what just happened?” and asking, “Can you believe what she just did?” The former can be a valuable gut check, while the latter puts pressure on the listener to agree with your perspective.

“It can be extremely healthy and positive to involve others if your intent is to seek insight, understanding, and a different perspective,” says Robley, noting that the conversation shouldn’t be a substitute for talking directly to the person you have a problem with, but rather a safeguard to ensure you’re not consumed by your own biases.

However, if you want to share negative feelings with a third party as a means to validate the stories you’re telling yourself, you’re headed in an unhealthy direction. “These stories come with strong emotions, and, the stronger the emotions, the harder it is to have honest, productive dialogue,” says Robley. “Thus, psychologically, it is damning to involve a third party because it only serves to keep you in your story — especially if you’re confiding in a colleague you know will see things from your perspective.”

What to do if you’re the third party in triangulation

Being on the listening end of triangulation can be extremely uncomfortable, especially if you’re worried that shutting it down may compromise your relationship with the person who’s venting, but there are a few simple tactics you can use to diplomatically diffuse tension.

First, always assume that there’s more to the story, says Sheila Heen, a co-leader of Harvard’s Negotiation Project and co-author of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. If you can recognize triangulation as it’s happening, you can take a step back and think critically about the information you’re being given.

Second, encourage the person to talk with their counterpart directly and see if they can reach a mutual understanding. “The complainer may be dismissive — saying something like, ‘Oh, I’ve tried that,’ or ‘They’ll never listen,’ — but suggesting they should be having the conversation directly signals that you don’t think that simply complaining should be the end of the story,” says Heen.

Third, take note that this person may do the same thing to you if they end up annoyed, offended, or hurt by something you do in the future. “Knowing this, let them know that you expect them to talk with you if there’s ever a problem, before you hear it from others,” Heen advises.

Most importantly, don’t pass gossip along. The negative impact of triangulation only catches fire when recipients accept one story as fact and share it without questioning underlying motives, exaggerations, and lies.

Open, honest dialogue is the bedrock of healthy workplace culture. While a little gossip can be harmless, knowing the line is key. If someone is truly annoying you, your best bet is to hash out this disagreement privately, respectfully, and without roping in anyone else.